Moments

so i've been working for over a month now and i LOVE it. i don't just love the job but i love the money, being busy, learning, going home and being exhausted and knowing i worked my ass off. it all feels almost dream-like...i still can't believe i am a nurse sometimes. i still think of myself as a tech or a student, it still hasn't really hit me that i will be doing this for years upon years upon years. i know i won't always feel as happy about my career as i do now so i am soaking in these moments of chaos and uncertainty..it doesn' t last forever.

so i've completed about 5 weeks on BMT (bone marrow transplant) and 2 weeks on a medical oncology floor and i've seen a vast range of patients. i've seen the patient who comes in and looks relatively healthy and who is getting chemo for a few days then going home...i've also seen patients who are sick but on the uphill and getting healthier as the days pass...i've watched my patients go home to their families...i've seen the smiles as the patient is being wheeled to the elevators to go back to their life outside of the hospital. but i've also seen sad and scary moments in these weeks...the patient who is transferred to the ICU because they are gasping for breaths despite the oxygen we are pumping into their lungs...i've seen the terrified looks on the families because of the unknown of a diagnosis...i've seen a young mother with stage IV breast cancer and liver mets who has had both breasts removed and surgery to remove pieces of her liver break down in tears when faced with the fear that she may not live to see her 10 month old son grow up...i've seen a 21 year old girl moments after passing away..i've washed her lifeless body and felt her cold skin...i've seen death.i've seen families mourning, nurses mourning... it has haunted me in the moments following. i've laughed and found humor in my job...i've cried and hugged my patients..i've felt guilty going home to my life. my health, and my happiness...i've felt a new appreciation for my life, my health, and my happiness.

i was meant to do this..i'm scared and i never feel like i know enough but i know i was meant for this. maybe oncology was my calling all along...maybe God has always had this plan for me.

-wren

EMPLOYED

drum roll please.....

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and not just ANY job, but the job i have been hoping for and that i interviewed for like a month ago. the hospital i am now going to be working at (sounds so weird to say that) is a large university hospital about 5 mins from my apartment and is known for being notoriously slow at hiring. following my interview for the bone marrow transplant position i waited around but never heard anything. after a month i assumed they hired someone else and put it in  the back of my mind even though i was bummed.

so friday i decided to call about the job & left a message with the recruiter who was on vacation. when  monday morning rolled around i got a call at 9am (i was still asleep) regarding the position. i assumed it was a courtesy call saying i didn't get it but to my surprise they offered it to me!

i can't believe i will be a nurse in a bone marrow transplant unit...ahhhhh i'm so scared/nervous/excited/happy/READY to start working!

i'll keep you posted

-wren

healing hearts

well world, my life has been changing and changing fast.

first and foremost, the shit i said about my ex boyfriend a few posts ago..yea, just forget all that. he is an undeserving asshole. you can only be burned so many times by one person in a 3 month period until you just let it go and that's where i am right now. if i have learned anything at all this year or from that break up it would be to just leave the past in the past. one of my favorite quotes is "when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time"..i think i love it so much because it is so true. my ex showed me a side of him very early in our relationship (about 4 years ago) and i turned the other way, i believed he could and would change for me. 4 years later i am the one who is left with the broken pieces of what used to be..if i only knew then what i know now.....

anywayyyyy, i am still unemployed :( BUT on a good note, i had a job interview about a week ago at a small regional hospital about 30 mins from where i live. the job position is in the cardiac cath lab which scares the living fuck out of me but it's M-F 6:30-3, no weekends, no holidays, and it pays pretty well. with it being a critical care setting then it's hard for me to say no because i am an ICU junkie. maybe 6 months to a year at this job will help me move up to CCU or CTVU. i had the interview and then was called for a second interview and was basically told that i was the favorite out of everyone who interviewed (no to toot my own horn or anything) and that i was competing with one other nurse who had not returned the phone call for the second interview. yesterday i did a background check and today did the drug test and physical so i am pretty sure i am hired. i am going to be so exhausted waking up at 4:30 am 5 days a week, especially since i am not a morning person but it's money and experience and something to do. i am pretty sure my couch has a permanent indention in it from where i have sat for 3 months haha. i need to get back out in the world and do something, so needless to say even though it isn't my first choice of hospitals or jobs i am very excited :)


hopefully i will be a nurse who is working to heal hearts, lord knows mine could use some healing as well. keep me in your thoughts, i'll keep you in mine!

-wren

unemployment

still no news on the job...AHHHH i think i am going crazy.

why do hospitals insist on making people wait so long??? i feel like the job search may never end for me. i had to borrow $2000 from my mom to help pay for rent & utilities since I graduated...who knew being unemployed could be so expensive? luckily my mom is supportive and doesn't want me to take a job that i will hate (LTC-sorry i just can't do it!) or a job that requires a long commute. she has encouraged me to take my free time and have some fun and relax then when the job does come i have to hit the ground running. i agree to some extent, i want to find the RIGHT job but right now ANY job would be nice...or at least interviews/offers would be nice. luckily, my mom is a nurse, too and she understands my problems right now.

anyway..so gavin degraw is coming to my city this week and i'm going to a small show he is having at dave & busters with a few friends. i'm hoping he will pull me on stage, propose, and then i can forget about jobs and money problems and my broken heart. he could serenade me and make my world right again ;)

well that's all folks...

-wren

bullshitting

so my interview went fan-fucking-tastic...& so i am not being sarcastic!
i think i answered all the questions pretty well, the manager who interviewed made a few comments that insinuated that i was doing well for example "i think you will really like this unit" and "it was REALLY nice to meet you" and "i heard from the other manager that you were great". so i must say i left that interview feel pretttttyyy good about things. unfortunately, she did not say nor did i ask when a decision would be made about the job. i kicked myself the whole way home for not saying something but i really thought she might offer me a job on the spot. now watch, i have gotten myself all excited and gotten my hopes up and now i probably won't get this job...oh well, for now i am going to bathe in my awesomeness for just a little longer. i plan to call thursday if i haven't heard anything...IF i get this job my orientation won't be until march 14th which sucks BUT will give me time to get my life in order and my chickens in a row or whatever that saying is. i need scrubs, to lose 10 lbs, and to finish unpacking all the stuff in my apartment. lately i have had all the time in the world so i have been putting everything off, laying on the couch, sleeping in...i did go skiing this weekend and gave my dogs a bath today so i guess i have been a little productive. starting tomorrow i am going to be dieting (maybe) and working out. i have a gym at my apartment and last week i worked out like 4 days i think but still ate like crap so this week i am going to work out harder and eat a little better. nursing school helped me gain about 15 lbs...i am by now means fat but i really would like to part ways with my mini muffin top plus once it gets warm i would like to look bikini ready and possibly run a 5k, 10k, or whatever.

oh & by the way..my ex has been talking to me lately. i know i said before that we had broken up...it was a long drawn out thing that i'd rather not discuss tonight but long story short we lived together for 2 years almost..dated for 4 years..and had a very sudden break up (his idea). i don't know how i feel about him continuing to text me and tell me he loves me and misses me..i wont lie, it's rough on my heart. he said he wants to go out sometime this weekend maybe and my mind is telling me not to go because it'll only hurt worse but my heart is on the fence. i have been head over heels in love for over 4 years and honestly thought i would marry him. i still see myself marrying him now to be honest. and i also won't lie..the past 2 months we have been broken up have consisted of hours of netflix and tv, me lying on the couch, and lots of tears. i haven't hit that moment where i want to go out and meet new people or party and get drunk. i haven't even thought about trying to date anyone else. i fucking miss him every day. i want to move on and find someone who wont ever leave me and who makes me happy and wants to stick around for the long haul but at the same time i want this relationship to work with my ex even with its complications, set backs, and fuck ups. maybe i am so blinded by his bullshit that i dont know what i want. so for now i am trying to do some self searching..trying to focus on me and get myself in a good place. in a way i feel like a weight has been lifted..i dont HAVE to do anything that i dont want to do...i clean up after myself and my dogs...i go to bed when i want...i watch all the girly reality tv shows and dont ever have to watch espn. it has been nice to have some independence and separation but it has also been lonely. i would trade in the loneliness for espn, i think. i would trade in the broken heart for something shiny and new and intact if it were possible. i would start over and fix all my mistakes with him, possibly leave before getting hurt if getting hurt was the inevitable. i don't know...now i am just bullshitting about love and life. i am stopping now...say a prayer for me that i figure this all out.

-wren

blah

well i tried to be patient last week. i really did. i checked my phone only like 495 times a day...ya know, just to make sure it was working in case the nurse recruitment office called me for the interview in BMT that i have been waiting so patiently for. finally when friday rolled around and i had STILL not heard anything i decided to call them. girls can have balls too!

so i talked to the lady in the recruitment office..told her who i was..new grad, interviewed the week before and was recommended for this position...been waiting all damn week to be called (ok i left that part out)..and she put me on hold for a minute and then said "okay, i'm going to schedule you for next friday!" just like that. i made the call and landed myself an interview. that felt good :)

so now i am just trying to keep occupied...applying for jobs, cleaning, working out a lot. i just HOPE that this job is THE ONE. i don't think i can handle another let down...i don't think i can continue to look at the stupid lists of open nursing jobs that i have applied for and yet to be called from any other hospital. it is so irritating...i busted my butt in nursing school, got all A's and B's..and 1 C, i was accepted and completed a summer externship, i was a nursing tech for a year while in school, did clinicals in ICU and ER my senior year just so that i would look amazing on paper and would back it up with my awesome interview skills. BLAH...that's all i have to say about that.

i'll keep you posted about the interview..i'm about to go down some beers and pizza & get ready for teen mom 2 tonight. happy fat tuesday :)

-wren

RN

Well I woke up at 4:30 am...6 am...8 am...& nothing updated on the Board of Nursing website. I don't know why I was checking so early because I knew the office didn't open until 8 anyway but I was excited/anxious/scared.

Finally at 10 am I checked the website and........RN!!! :)

I never knew those 2 letters could mean so much. For me they represent long nights of studying, hours of driving back & forth to clinicals, waking up at 4:30 am and getting home at 9 pm only to fall asleep on the couch, care plans, teaching plans, tears, exhaustion, SOAP notes,gallons of coffe consumed,  thousands of dollars in tuition, hopeful patients, hands shaking while giving my first SQ injection, maroon scrubs, white shoes, beeping ventilators, hours of lectures, lack of sleep, intimidating doctors, that feeling when I got an A on a test or a Satisfactory in my clinical paperwork,  that feeling when I finally felt like a nurse.

Now that I see those letters and I see my license number...it was SO worth it :)

Today my life changed & damn I deserve it.

-Wren

75

Today was the big day..

For the past few weeks my days have been consumed with NCLEX questions, flashcards, lab values, hypocalcemia, hyperkalemia, pharmacology, questions, and more flashcards. My test started at 8 am..well it was supposed to, I actually got started around 8:15 after having my palms and fingerprints scanned, my picture taken, and all my crap shoved into a locker. I was a bag of nerves...what is a side effect of that drug name that I can't pronounce?? Eh, too late now..

The NCLEX felt like I was taking a test in another language. Some questions were obvious to me but the majority of them I just had to guess or narrow it down. Is this really how they determine nursing competency?? The screen turned blue after 75 questions and all I wanted was more time, more questions (easier questions) because I was SURE I failed. It took me 50 minutes to take a test that would determine the fate of my career, a test that allowed us 6 hours to complete. I was done in 50 minutes?? That can't be good.

So I drove home trying to hold back tears...$200 down the damn drain. So I had a bunch of phone calls and texts this morning wishing me good luck and asking how I did..I didn't even want to respond to them. So I came back to my apartment and rushed to my computer to do the Pearson Vue trick..if you don't know what that is you can google it..basically it's a trick that you can use for the NCLEX exam to unofficially determine if you passed or not the day you take the exam. From what I have heard and researched it is pretty accurate so I decided it was worth a shot. Basically you try to reregister for the exam again on the Pearson Vue website and if it allows you to type in your credit card information then you failed and if a pop-up says you are not authorized to register at this time or some kind of bullshit then you PASSED! Well lucky for me, I got the pop-up so I am hoping that is reason to celebrate! Either way me & roomie are going to get 2-for-1 margs tonight and watching grey's anatomy and jersey shore over wine. I will know tomorrow whether I am *officially* an RN or not...we will see!

Oh & p.s. I am STILL unemployed. Anyone want to hire me???

Reject

Well fuck. After all that stuff I said about the oncology job earlier, I got a phone call around 5 today from the nurse manager who basically told me she loved me but she wasn't picking me for the job. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. On a positive note, she said there is a positon opening on BMT (bone marrow transplant) that she highly recommended me for and said she wants me to work at the cancer center and "doesn't want to lose me". I guess I can't be too mad.

I need to go to the gym or get out of the house tomorrow. NCLEX questions are making me question my sanity and I really don't think I can watch another Roseanne rerun. Speaking of Roseanne..I saw an episode today about their youngest son masterbating in the bathroom. Was this stuff really on tv?

Wren

Changes

So I am new to the blogging world. Please forgive me if I am not clever, funny, or at all interesting.

A little background about me...I'm a mother of 2 pugs, newly single, just graduated from nursing school in December, and moved to a new city. Talk about life changes. I am getting adjusted though, which basically means I have been sitting in my apartment watching television and studying for NCLEX but hey, it's a start.

I started this blog because I am starting a new career and am looking for a place to vent/discuss/bitch/cry about work and the ups and downs and ins and outs of life. Although I am still unemployed, I am hopeful that the right job is just around the corner. I have actually been offered two positions..one in a Neuro ICU in a small rural-ish hospital...the other a Med/Surg stepdown unit in a large hospital. Unfortunately, both of these jobs were not in my area...one an hour and a half away and the other an hour away so I declined them both. I applied to these jobs hoping to move with my boyfriend of 4 years, obviously that isn't going to happen now so it was time for a new plan.

I had an interview yesterday in a local teaching hospital in oncology...it's pretty much a new grad job that cross trains in Surgical Oncology, Medical Oncology, and BMT (bone marrow transplant). I had never considered oncology before but the more I have done my research and self-reflecting, I really think this is THE job. It may not seem like it but I really am caring, compassionate, and empathetic. I pride myself in having a really big heart and feel that I could really make a difference in this possible job opportunity. I laugh with the best of them & cry with no shame. I think I will make a damn good oncology nurse...we will see, I have my fingers and toes crossed for this one. Wherever the path leads me I am sure it will be an eventful one.

 Now back to NCLEX studying...7 days until D-day.

Wren