bullshitting

so my interview went fan-fucking-tastic...& so i am not being sarcastic!
i think i answered all the questions pretty well, the manager who interviewed made a few comments that insinuated that i was doing well for example "i think you will really like this unit" and "it was REALLY nice to meet you" and "i heard from the other manager that you were great". so i must say i left that interview feel pretttttyyy good about things. unfortunately, she did not say nor did i ask when a decision would be made about the job. i kicked myself the whole way home for not saying something but i really thought she might offer me a job on the spot. now watch, i have gotten myself all excited and gotten my hopes up and now i probably won't get this job...oh well, for now i am going to bathe in my awesomeness for just a little longer. i plan to call thursday if i haven't heard anything...IF i get this job my orientation won't be until march 14th which sucks BUT will give me time to get my life in order and my chickens in a row or whatever that saying is. i need scrubs, to lose 10 lbs, and to finish unpacking all the stuff in my apartment. lately i have had all the time in the world so i have been putting everything off, laying on the couch, sleeping in...i did go skiing this weekend and gave my dogs a bath today so i guess i have been a little productive. starting tomorrow i am going to be dieting (maybe) and working out. i have a gym at my apartment and last week i worked out like 4 days i think but still ate like crap so this week i am going to work out harder and eat a little better. nursing school helped me gain about 15 lbs...i am by now means fat but i really would like to part ways with my mini muffin top plus once it gets warm i would like to look bikini ready and possibly run a 5k, 10k, or whatever.

oh & by the way..my ex has been talking to me lately. i know i said before that we had broken up...it was a long drawn out thing that i'd rather not discuss tonight but long story short we lived together for 2 years almost..dated for 4 years..and had a very sudden break up (his idea). i don't know how i feel about him continuing to text me and tell me he loves me and misses me..i wont lie, it's rough on my heart. he said he wants to go out sometime this weekend maybe and my mind is telling me not to go because it'll only hurt worse but my heart is on the fence. i have been head over heels in love for over 4 years and honestly thought i would marry him. i still see myself marrying him now to be honest. and i also won't lie..the past 2 months we have been broken up have consisted of hours of netflix and tv, me lying on the couch, and lots of tears. i haven't hit that moment where i want to go out and meet new people or party and get drunk. i haven't even thought about trying to date anyone else. i fucking miss him every day. i want to move on and find someone who wont ever leave me and who makes me happy and wants to stick around for the long haul but at the same time i want this relationship to work with my ex even with its complications, set backs, and fuck ups. maybe i am so blinded by his bullshit that i dont know what i want. so for now i am trying to do some self searching..trying to focus on me and get myself in a good place. in a way i feel like a weight has been lifted..i dont HAVE to do anything that i dont want to do...i clean up after myself and my dogs...i go to bed when i want...i watch all the girly reality tv shows and dont ever have to watch espn. it has been nice to have some independence and separation but it has also been lonely. i would trade in the loneliness for espn, i think. i would trade in the broken heart for something shiny and new and intact if it were possible. i would start over and fix all my mistakes with him, possibly leave before getting hurt if getting hurt was the inevitable. i don't know...now i am just bullshitting about love and life. i am stopping now...say a prayer for me that i figure this all out.

-wren