Moments

so i've been working for over a month now and i LOVE it. i don't just love the job but i love the money, being busy, learning, going home and being exhausted and knowing i worked my ass off. it all feels almost dream-like...i still can't believe i am a nurse sometimes. i still think of myself as a tech or a student, it still hasn't really hit me that i will be doing this for years upon years upon years. i know i won't always feel as happy about my career as i do now so i am soaking in these moments of chaos and uncertainty..it doesn' t last forever.

so i've completed about 5 weeks on BMT (bone marrow transplant) and 2 weeks on a medical oncology floor and i've seen a vast range of patients. i've seen the patient who comes in and looks relatively healthy and who is getting chemo for a few days then going home...i've also seen patients who are sick but on the uphill and getting healthier as the days pass...i've watched my patients go home to their families...i've seen the smiles as the patient is being wheeled to the elevators to go back to their life outside of the hospital. but i've also seen sad and scary moments in these weeks...the patient who is transferred to the ICU because they are gasping for breaths despite the oxygen we are pumping into their lungs...i've seen the terrified looks on the families because of the unknown of a diagnosis...i've seen a young mother with stage IV breast cancer and liver mets who has had both breasts removed and surgery to remove pieces of her liver break down in tears when faced with the fear that she may not live to see her 10 month old son grow up...i've seen a 21 year old girl moments after passing away..i've washed her lifeless body and felt her cold skin...i've seen death.i've seen families mourning, nurses mourning... it has haunted me in the moments following. i've laughed and found humor in my job...i've cried and hugged my patients..i've felt guilty going home to my life. my health, and my happiness...i've felt a new appreciation for my life, my health, and my happiness.

i was meant to do this..i'm scared and i never feel like i know enough but i know i was meant for this. maybe oncology was my calling all along...maybe God has always had this plan for me.

-wren